The most common dynamic that I see in psychic readings on love relationships, during love readings, and in sessions as a love coach, is that neither my client nor their love interest is willing to freely allow themselves to be vulnerable. And, I’ve seen it in my own relationships too. Both of us are constantly making choices and taking actions which we hope will guarantee that we don’t get hurt! And, of course, the focus for each of us in a love relationship is typically “me”, “I”, it’s all about “what I’m feeling”, and the only real priority we have is “I don’t want to get hurt”. Most of us are psychic enough, intuitive enough, to know that even when a person tells us they’re afraid to get involved with us because they might hurt us, we know that usually the real truth is that this person is only afraid of getting hurt themselves, afraid of being vulnerable.
You can not have love without vulnerability. You can not have connection without vulnerability. Most of us, including me, find that concept a bit uncomfortable, if not outright unattractive and unacceptable. It seems backwards to us, because we’re raised to believe that a love relationship is where we will find our security, find safety, find a refuge from the hardships of the outside world. It usually feels entirely wrong to us that we actually need to be vulnerable in order to keep our relationship alive and healthy.
Dr. Brene Brown is an American research sociologist who has studied vulnerability for over 15 years. As a scientist it made her personally very uncomfortable to find out from her research that you can not have love without vulnerability, that in order to love and to be loved, you have to be vulnerable. She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging…”
Brown has conducted a very large amount of scientific tests and experiments, all of which resulted in conclusive evidence that people define how happy they are by how much they feel a sense of belonging, how much they feel loved. And, her research concluded that being vulnerable is a necessary part of a happy life.
Dr. Brown found that happy people consistently have four things in common:
1. Courage – happy people have the courage to allow themselves to be imperfect, to be themselves, to be authentic.
2. Compassion – happy people are compassionate with themselves, they love themselves enough to allow themselves to be imperfect, they’ve learned to accept themselves just as they are.
3. Connection – happy people connect with each other because they are being authentic. When happy people are being their authentic selves they allow their emotional walls to be down, which means they are not being closed off or defensive and their hearts are open, and so they naturally connect with people. My observation is that we can not feel connected to someone without feeling some level of love for them, and we can not feel love for someone without feeling a connection with them.
4. Vulnerability – happy people allow the vulnerability which comes from connecting to others while being authentic and imperfect, they permit themselves to be openly vulnerable. Happy people consistently believe that what makes them vulnerable is what makes them beautiful, and they accept that being vulnerable is required in order to be truly happy.
Well-known inspirational coach, Tony Robbins, says “An intimate relationship is not a place you go to get things. If you do that you’re always going to be disappointed. If you can fall in love with someone so much that you live to light them up, and lighting them up lights you up, then it’s a done deal, your relationship will succeed.”
When I first encountered that concept it made me uneasy. Why would I want to be in a relationship if I’m not there to get things like attention and love? And sex?! Hey!!! But, the more I thought about it and looked back into my past unsuccessful relationships, I realized that this would truly be the ideal formula – for both partners to be giving their attention and love and kindness and appreciation and admiration to each other just for the thrill of giving to them, because they love each other so much!!
Naturally, when we give and give like that we put ourselves into a position of being very vulnerable, because we’re taking the risk that what we’re giving so passionately might actually be rejected or not appreciated or even laughed at. And as I thought about that, I realized that this fits perfectly into Brene Brown’s research and its conclusion that we can only have love or experience love if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. So, then it makes even more sense that giving should be our focus in a love relationship, because the more we give, the more vulnerable we are, and the more vulnerable we are, the more love we will experience!
Most of us at the beginning of a relationship are so excited and thrilled that we are profuse with expressing our appreciation and admiration and love, and we truly light up with intense excitement about giving that love and giving most anything else to our lover – and it’s amazingly beautiful, but it’s at the beginning of a relationship. And then, somewhere in the process of getting closer (very soon if we move in together), we begin to allow ourselves to be annoyed by little things about the other person, we begin to focus ever more on things we do not like about them, and we then begin to hold back our love, begin to not show it or express appreciation, and to no longer give to each other just for the thrill of giving.
The magic key is to always consciously and purposely remember and notice all the things about your partner that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place! They still have every single one of those qualities! Do not focus on what you do not like about your partner. See only the things that you love about her or him. When you do that, those feelings of being in love with them will come back, and you will genuinely appreciate him or her again, and you will once more have a desire to give to them simply because you love them so much. And, when both people in a relationship focus on giving to each other for the excitement of doing so, then the connection and love are automatically there, and so is your happiness!
Yes, of course, both partners in a love relationship have to be in agreement with focusing on giving rather than taking, so most of us will wonder what happens if we’re the only one giving and our partner is not. If your partner truly is not capable of giving to you that way, or just really does not want to, then it’s probably time for you to evaluate if that person is right for you and if you want to stay. But, just as the Law of Attraction states, what you focus on, the kind of energy and thoughts and behavior that you put out to the world, is exactly what you’re going to get back.
Almost always, when someone else is loving and kind and generous to us, we will be kind and loving and generous to them in return. But, naturally, somebody has to start first – that’s the hard part! If you truly desire happiness, really desire to be loved and admired, then summon your courage and fearlessly and passionately give the gifts of love and happiness and admiration and appreciation to your lover always. You will be given the same gifts in return, and you will experience a genuinely happy love relationship!